Dramarama

I don't think I have ever been this stressed out in my life and I think it's even taking a toll on my health. I feel like complete shit right now. You have created so much unneeded drama in my life that I tried my hardest to remove years ago. It doesn't seem to matter if I say something or nothing you get mad at me either way and say I'm a nasty person. I guess I am then because that's all I ever seem to hear from you. By the way Twitter is not the right way to try and talk shit about me. If you have a problem with me say it to my face otherwise don't bash me on the Internet, thanks and doesn't matter whether you say my name or not I know you're talking to me. I really hate that it's okay for you to be mad at my me, but wow for once I don't like something you did I don't have the right to that. You really are like my sister and I can't see myself forcing you out of my life no matter how much you may hurt me. You don't know how much your words really do hurt me. No sure what to do anymore, this is not the year that I wanted continuous drama, everything has just been blown out of proportion.

It's time to bare my soul.

I don't really know why I'm crying. It almost feels like it's not fair. Like I have no one around me that really loves me and I have no talents to make me better than anyone at anything. It all just hit me now, out of no where. I just want to fit into this place that's not meant for me. I'm in high school, a virgin and definitely not a musician there is nothing I can offer these people. I need give up trying to be like them and go back to being plain old me. The loner that has the gorgeous best friend that will never get a boyfriend and doesn't know what to do with her life. After tomorrow I think I need a day to myself maybe just to learn to be able to be by myself without being bored out of my mind like I used to be able to do. On the bright side I am feeling more confident about my body although I do still think I'm fat and ugly at least my skin's getting better. Doesn't matter what anyone else say I still won't believe so who cares. I want to go back to school just to get it over with but I'm scared for this year who knows where it will go. I don't know what else to say I wish I was good with words and had a talent, was someone special but I'm not.

I feel like I'm getting shit for caring. I get it that I haven't known you for very long but I have no idea why you're mad at me and why you won't let me know what is going on. I don't even know what to say to you and you won't text me back so I guess I will have to give you space. Everything was going so well I had things to do everyday and everything and I thought our friendship could develop more. I don't even know. This is weird, I grow attached to people too fast and this situation is not my fault as far as I know because you won't speak to me. You're supposed to be the adult in this situation and you are just acting like a child or pathetic high school student which is more like what I am supposed to be. I know that it's probably not easy for you to trust people because of what you have been through and that we haven't know each other long enough that any real bond had been made but I have already lost so many friends this year, not in the way you have but in a different way that I can still see them but can never talk to them just like you can't talk to yours. To be honest I don't know what to say to you, or what to expect to come out of your mouth if you ever to speak to me again. Well I do feel like I am getting out some of frustrations by typing this but I am still so confused and a little lost.

I can feel it already.
This summer is going to suck.
All I feel like doing is crying.
I'm slipping into a rut, life sucks.
I'm fat.
I'm ugly.
I have no real friends.
I am a total loner. I am ther first to admit that.
I just want a new life.

Quick Post.

So I saw my ex today for it seems like the first time in awhile and it made me sad. We don't talk as much anymore but I know I still like him and wish I hadn't made the mistakes that I had. Maybe we could be in a relationship with him right now if I hadn't been so distant. I miss him so much and just want him back. I'm not quite sure what to do and am trying not to talk to him because it makes me want to tell him how I feel but I know he won't feel the same way back. The best thing to do is probably just live my life and maybe one day we will find each other again or hopefully I can feel this way about someone else.

Any advice for me?

p.s Taniya if you're reading I am holding you to secrecy.

I fail.

Seriously, I made the blog post about change and blah blah blah. I don't think I have done anything I talked about in that, I don't know maybe I did. But, the point is that I need to change my body and eating habits and lose weight for my health. I think the thing holding me back is one I don't have motivation but also what ties into that is that it would be a lot easier if I had someone doing it with me. Secondly I would love to go to the gym but it can get really expensive doing to the gym or to classes. Oh! Maybe I will go to the spin class again that was a great workout, and then I can go into the gym too and do more, or go into the pool. I own Turbo Jam and was doing really well with that for about two weeks a long time ago but I want a treadmill or elliptical but I can afford one and my Dad who also wants one keeps putting it off on getting one. Like I have brought it up a lot and I just want to get it now, I don't care what it looks like or anything I just need it ASAP. I was on tumblr and I found some fitness blog type things, I don't really understand tumblr which is why I make my blog on here but the point is I saw this girls before and after pictures and her before looks like me and he body is really awesome now. I know she still wants to tone up and lose more weight but where she is she looks great and I would kill for that. There was one picture of her saying like her pants were literally falling off and that's what I want, to see a change, a dramatic change. I have 2 month to lose my weight before bathing suit season. I WILL DO IT. Hopefully. Oh gosh I'm horrible. Someone please push me work out. I need a workout body if I don't get this exercise machine to run with me.

Okay so goals:

Only drink water and skim milk.
Get in my 8 glasses of water a day.
Get in 8 hours of sleep every night.
No ice cream, I don't even like it very much.
Stop snacking on bad things.
Run (blargg) 3 times a week.
Turbo Jam 4 times a week.
Arms everyday, it doesn't take very long.

Can't think anymore getting too late, definitely won't get in the 8 hours tonight. My life starts tomorrow.

I want like a cute good-bye on here, I will have to think about it.

Bucket List #1

Life is so short that I just want to start living. Some of these things will be things I want to do this summer and others over my entire life. The list will continue to grow as I finish things and I will probably never finish before I die. Whenever that may be. I will start with the first 10 I can think of and update when I complete one.

1. Meet Marianas Trench
- This is a goal for the summer, they are FAVOURITE band.

2. Learn to play the guitar.
- This will hopefully be completed in the next year. I plan on taking lessons starting in September.

3. Get a tattoo.
- I have been giving this lots of though recently. Maybe done this summer, just need to find a design.

4. Go on a road trip.
- Definitely for this summer!

5. See a Broadway show.
- This is kind of cheating seeing as I am doing this in three weeks.

6. Travel to New York.
- This is also cheating because I leave for New York City on April 27, but oh well.

7. Go zip lining.
- This summer for sure. Maybe on my road trip?

8. Donate my hair.
- Have thought about it before but I was told I wasn't cutting off enough. I will probably do this after grad because I am growing it out.

9. Have sex.
- Who knows when this will happen seeing as I don't and probably will anytime soon have a boyfriend.
 But who says you have to have a boyfriend? mmmm.

10. Go bungee jumping.
- Seems like an amazing adrenaline rush and something everyone should do. Maybe this summer, maybe years from now.

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.”

*This is where the name of my blog came from.